“JUVENILE”.

That will be my one-word summary of how Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was. It’s not enough if you just want to watch giant robots brawling, apparently you must also let yourself subjected to godawful humour, gratuitous perving and a senseless story to get the most out of this film.

I tweeted my initial review, now it’s time for an in-depth spoiler-full dissection. Wait, no, I won’t. There are already two of the most AWESOME REVIEWS about it already.

So I’m just gonna go for an incoherent and almost profanity-laced rant.

Autobots

The new Autobots suffered the most from character development. Sideswipe had the opportunity to be the ninja of the group, but we only get to see him in action with those shiny blades once in the beginning. Am I the only one who looked at those double blades and wheel legs and remembered this?

Miho Family Values

Arcee is now a disembodied presence controlling 3 bikes, who got killed as fast as Bay could. I don’t get why there had to be THREE bikes in the first place, but at least in the comics they used to be different Autobots (the blue one was called Chromia). Jolt was only in because GM wanted to promote Chevy Volt, which is a shame, because he had so much potential. You can never go wrong with taser hands!

Skids and Mudflaps looked like retarded hillbillies that act like ghetto brothers. Everybody with a sane mind knows how much we don’t need another Jar Jar Binks, but I guess kids love these moronic heroes, huh? After all, every kid aspire to be morons. I won’t elaborate much on the racial undertones, but I’d say here that I love them more when they were that clunky ice cream truck.

Ironhide and Ratchet? Meh, nothing much. They’re only here because they were in the first one. Bumblebee! I felt like crying when I saw him crying, not because I can relate to him, but because I couldn’t bear seeing him lowered down to be the emo and clingy sidekick to Sam.

Optimus Prime however, is the reason why you SHOULD watch this movie. He’s the quintessential hero, not just the leader and war general, but this time the super-operative, the spear-point of Autobot strike force. I remembered my jaw dropping when I saw him transform in the first movie, and the sight is still as magnificent this time.

Decepticons

Megatron and Starscream were fucking BORING. There, I’ve said it. The Fallen looks like a rejected Giger sculpture that would serve better as Jonathan Davis’ mic-stand. Grindor was a Blackout knock-off—did he have to choose the SAME form?

Sideways appeared for a few seconds before getting killed. How much did Audi pay for that, actually?

Scorponok: see Ironhide and Ratchet.

I FUCKING hate The Doctor. Actually, I hate SMALL TRANSFORMERS. Like, what the fuck, man? Transformers = BIG ROBOTS. That includes you too, Wheelie. And those who laughed your ass off when Wheelie was leg-humping Mikaela, I fucking hate you all as well.

Soundwave is probably my favourite Decepticon in this film. Sure, he looked stupid in the satellite form (I think that’s his only form), like a limbless paraplegic floating in the darkness of space, but his form at least serve some purpose. Launching Ravage as a missile is as close as we can get to cassette tapes.

Devastator, in one word, was AWESOME. You almost certainly can never go wrong with such scale, but it was disappointing that he wasn’t utilised more. He was sucking some sand, then climbing the pyramid like bloody King Kong, then boom! One railgun attack and there he goes. Adding to that, I don’t know what the fucking justification is for having Demolishor as a different, unicycle version of Scavenger, or the multiple clones of Rampage, Long Haul and Mixmaster. I’ll say this: Devastator was cool, his components (Mixmaster, Scavenger, Long Haul, Rampage, Scrapper, Hightower and Overload) are all cool, their individual robot modes was cool…How could you fuck that up, man?

AND THE FUCKING BALLS ON DEVASTATOR! Very mature, Bay. WHAT THE FUUUUCCCCKKKK

Old geezer Jetfire was amusing, I can almost relate to the crankiness, parachute-farts and all. The concept of Optimus Prime combining with him was definitely interesting (just like Powerlinxing in Armada), sadly, Jetfire had to die while Prime used his spare parts like he just found it in the recycle bin.

It was very brave of the writers to utilise the doomed Pretender concept, but I think it’s just another excuse for having a girl robot, ala-Cameron from Sarah Connor Chronicles. The ride was fun while it lasted, which was right until the part where a tentacle comes out of her bum, coming straight after the upskirt panty shot.

I have never complained when they changed Optimus from a Freightliner to a Peterbilt, but can someone tell me why the fuck do they have to mess with something sweet like this:

and change it into THIS TURD?

Human

Shia LeDouche wasn’t all that bad, he’s going to be the mould for the next generation action hero, with Indiana Jones and whatnot coming soon.

Megan Fox was…Megan Fox. She can’t act for shit, and there was never any doubt that she was in it to get guys who don’t usually want to watch giant robots, would go in and watch anyway. Every scene with her in it, the camera seems to have an automatic focus that all I see in between the explosions and chase scenes were her green eyes, her flawless complexion, and her heaving bosom.

Seriously, who the hell airbrushes bikes while riding it, face down ass up?megan fox

Were Kevin Dunn and Julie White on a steady diet of crack and speed for the whole filming? Geez.

Since Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson were basically rehashing their old characters (see: Ironhide and Ratchet), it fell on the shoulders of John Turturro to save the human element with his now lovable character. Sam’s roommate Leo (played by Ramón Rodríguez) started off annoying, but became quite hilarious and endearing towards to end, when paired with Turturro’s Agent Simmons.

Fights

The fights are not that bad really, it IS a Michael Bay movie. The fight scene in the woods between Optimus Prime and two (three? I can’t be sure) Decepticons was quite epic. It’s almost like a kung-fu duel in wuxia movies. I was just having trouble accepting that the leader of the pacifist faction fights like a badass, trashtalking his way while getting his hands dirty.

Optimus Prime was not the only one so badass. The Transformers that we used to see battle using laser blasters now knuckle-fight and spin-kick each other around, which sometimes ended with fatality like ripping the opponents hearts out or tearing their spine apart. Oh, have I forgot to mention that it’s the Autobots who were doing those?

Besides the brawl in the woods, I just couldn’t care less about the other fight/battle scenes. The first one in Shanghai was a blur, I couldn’t make up what the fuck was happening unless I strain my eyes really hard. The last battle in the desert? Meh, the least said about it the better.

* * * * *

I know that a lot of my friends love this movie and think that it was simply awesome. All I can say is I respect your opinions, maybe you ACTUALLY enjoy this kind of thing, but I was seriously disappointed with it. The movie was mindless, my brain kept running all the time trying to make sense of it and I failed. It was a torturous moment, and if not because of the franchise I loved and the awesome robots, I would have totally burst out of the cinema. I knew all along there were so many fucking things that was wrong about the plot, but not until I read this article did I realise that there were so many gaping holes that Michael Bay just couldn’t be bothered to take care of.

So pardon me when you try to be a Bay or this film’s apologist, that you’ll see me roll my eyes and give you a look of disdain. I reserve this especially for the geeks, and those who claim to be fans of the Transformers franchise. This movie and its creator have shitted on you and the things you love, and you can still say you love it? Let’s just agree to disagree, because let’s face it, I wasn’t really a happy man after watching it.

Of lately, I have been a sort of promoter of geeky movies, especially the blockbusters to people that I think wouldn’t enjoy the movie otherwise. With Iron Man, The Dark Knight, Star Trek and EVEN the first Transformers movie, I did say, “It’s okay, it IS awesome. Even those who have never heard of the franchise before or not a geek definitely enjoyed the movie and thought it was awesome! WATCH IT!”.

I can’t say the same about this one.

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