Not really a surprise then, when I found out that I have already lived by most of them. FML.
Here I’m going to list all the commandments, and how I compare to them (in italics):
1) Thou must experience as many nerdy properties as possible throughout your youth (nerdy parents must assist with this). By the age of 20, you must have chosen at least two sides of the following: Star Wars or Star Trek, Kirk or Picard, Marvel or DC, Mac or PC, Trukk or Munkey, Baker or Tennant, and Joel or Mike. If these topics come up, you must argue your choice past all reasonableness.
I have SIX: Star Wars, Picard, DC, PC, Trukk and Tennant.
2) Thou must always recognize your first exposure to a nerdy property was the best possible incarnation of that property. Likewise, thou must always find new incarnations, sequels, spin-offs, rip-offs, and media inspired these properties to be crappier than your prized original.
3) Thou must revere the Nerd Girl, because she is as rare as the diamond and just as valuable. Thou shouldst not stark her just because she’s the only girl in your nerd circle, and if/when she turns down your advances, you will not spurn her because that’s just shitty. And Nerd Girls, thou must be careful, for thy power is great — and can be used for both good and ill.
Thank heavens for Puteri:
4) Thou must try to convince your significant other to name the child after a character of nerdy importance. If thou are cut from the cloth of the nerd tribe and have managed to breed, , and bringeth into the world the Lando’s, the Anakin’s, the Kal-Els.
He he he. Unfortunately, I want my kid with a name that starts with ‘z’. Haven’t found an awesome character that starts with ‘z’ so far. [Edit: Oh wait, there’s Zaphod! Woohoo]
5) All nerds must be able to sketch, from memory, the basic outlines of the Millennium Falcon, USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), and the TARDIS.
6) Thou shalt not question who shot first.
It’s Han. Period.
7) Thou shalt acknowledge that Batman beats everyone, ever, anywhere at fighting. That’s right, he beats everybody. Even Optimus Prime. Even Darth Vader. Even Chuck Norris. He’d find a way. He’s the goddamn Batman.
Exactly. He’s the goddamn Batman!
8) Thou shalt be prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse, and teach thy children similarly.
9) Thou shalt not forget to honor and give thanks to the Dice Gods for your triumphs and victories.
Mmmm, not applicable. I don’t play D&D. (Would love to learn, though)
10) If two nerds ever find themselves holding cylindrical objects of at least 9 inches in length they must immediately make lightsaber ignition noises and face each other down in mortal combat.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, lightsaber duel with my padawan on the Harbour Bridge :
11) Shouldst thou hear a man proclaim, “Now you know,” for whatever reason, then thou must reply in your most triumphant voice, “And knowing is half the battle!” Let he who should offend against this law be cast out from the company of his worthier fellows and be made subject to aspersions made ‘gainst his improper rearing and the cuckolding whore that did sire him and perform the rearing.
Ah, I don’t really watch G.I. Joe, there you go.
12) When searching for something to watch on television you must watch the geek movie you come across, even if you have said movie in your collection. If anyone asks, “Why don’t you just watch the one you own?” stare at them like an idiot and explain, “That is not the point.”
Nope, I’d rather watch something I haven’t seen.
13) In order to assure procreation of the nerd species, thou shalt not utter nerdy quotes during sex.
I haven’t…have I?
15) Thou must not be the nerdiest person in the room, the one nerd that even the other nerds are scared to be around. If your obsession causes you to lose a job, significant other, or cause harm to yourself, GET SOME FUCKING HELP.
So far, so good.
16) Thou must learn how to do to the Vulcan hand gesture, whether thou likes Star Trek or not.
17) Thou shalt be required to attend at least one nerd convention (videogames, anime, comics, etc.) during thy lifetime.
Not yet. =( No good conventions here in KL.
18) There shall be no viewing of fansubs by any self-described otaku/anime fan who can afford to purchase the said material (exceptions: viewing at conventions or titles that have no chance of being released stateside).
Ahahahaha. I LOVE fansubs. Suck it.
19) All nerds, when purchasing something in a store, must never pick up the first item in the front, because the item in front has almost certainly been touched by unclean hands, and thus its condition is less mint, the grade must pleasing to the nerd gods.
OMG it is so true, it’s scary.
20) Thou must obey the Law of the Golden Mean.
Yup, I’m quite obsessed with this concept.
The article ends with a parable called The Parable of the Nerd Bastard and the Fox, which really, should be read by all self-confessed geeks & nerds. The parable after the jump (it’s quite long):
“And from the high mountains of the realm known as internet came a traveler. He was a normal man, but one of great size and mainly of gerth. This man was a prophet of Nerd Law, and he went by the name of Bricken. In his hands he carried great tools. In his left hand, a device known as a laptop, which he claimed he had direct contact with all of his people, even if his grammar wasn’t exactly correct.
Walking through a nearby village, he stumbled upon several children gather around a viewing screen that was called, television. Bricken stopped to watch what the children were viewing. On the screen a show, was a wondrous show that appealed to all the aspects and laws contained in the book of Nerd Law. It had vibrant characters and interesting stories. However, a Fox was sitting in wait a few paces behind the television.
Bricken intrigued, turned to a boy near the front, ‘Boy, how long has this show been running?’
The boy smiled and said, ‘Why, Master Bricken! This show is first run! Would you enjoy it with us?”
Bricken was overjoyed! ‘Yes! I shall!’ Sitting, Bricken watched the show with the children and found himself entranced with the show.
Three episodes in, a Fox slipped into the crowd and began to count those in the audience. Bricken was puzzled, but ignored the Fox. When Fox was done, it slipped behind the television and pulled the plug. The children were horrified and Bricken howled at the Fox, ‘Fox! Why have thee killed our show?’
The Fox, cackled with laughter, ‘This show was creative and slowly gaining an audience. However, not quickly enough. Therefore, I shall replace it with this!’ Lights flickered on the television and the creative, interesting, well thought out story that appealed to every aspect of Nerd Law was gone. In its place was a show that only a heathen would like.
The children ran away to their homes, hiding their televisions from the dreaded Fox. Bricken stayed behind and spoke to the Fox, ‘That was a cruel, cruel thing to do Fox. Was not your audience large enough.’
The Fox smiled, ‘It was, it was. However, I have decided to go another direction. Another dancing program where people are judged. What are you going to do about it Bricken?’
Picking up his mighty laptop he began to write to his people. Posting after posting, he warned his people of the cruelty of the Fox. The Fox’s powers grew weaker, but they didn’t go away entirely. ‘Bricken, you have weakened me, but I can never truly go away.’
Bricken nodded, ‘This is true, for there is even a place for you in this book of Nerd Law, and I, only lowly prophet Bricken, can do nothing to defeat you entirely. Even with the threat of skull fucking. It would take the entirety of the following of the Book of Nerd Law. However, I can do this!’
From this story, the Nerd Law was written, “Thou shall never fully trust a program presented by Fox, no matter how closely it follows the rules within the book of Nerd Law, for it could go away without warning. Even with the threat of a skull fucking.”
It is very true, is it not?
How do you compare to the 20 commandments? Leave it in the comments.